4 signs your relationships are toxic

I think it's safe to say, that at one stage or another we've all been a bit toxic - not so much a toxic person, but definitely behaved in a toxic way. This doesn't make us a bad person, it just means in that moment or even that season of our lives, the behaviours we displayed were less than savoury. This could have been caused by a whole host of factors - break ups, grief, job losses, mental health issues - the list goes on. And that's ok, as long as we realise that we're displaying these behaviours, take responsibility for our healing and find the courage to make the necessary changes. But at what point in life does someone tip that scale from toxic behaviour, to toxic person? Read on to see if you're in a toxic relationship!

1.They refuse to accept or acknowledge that they have crossed a boundary.

If someone in your life is constantly crossing that boundary line, taking you for granted and making you feel uncomfortable and unsafe, despite your efforts to make them aware of it and ask them to stop, then this person is a toxic person. If you're constantly expressing your feelings and not having them honoured, or if you ask for change and it's met with anything less than an acknowledgment and changed behaviour - then this is a sure sign that you're not being respected in this connection. People will get pretty comfortable pretty quickly disrespecting you when there's no perceived consequences. You set the level of respect by what you choose to allow, so if a toxic person thinks they can cross your boundaries with no consequences, then they absolutely will.

2.They don't respect you or your needs.

When a person is toxic, they are very self involved, and anything outside of themselves is deemed unimportant in comparison to their needs, wants and desires. You might find they disrespect your time, disregard your needs and diminish your feelings in favour of their own or someone else's. No matter what or when you need them, they constantly let you down, if you're feeling under the weather they have a full blown flu, if you express a grievance or any type of trying situation, they'll be sure to tell you how worse they have it and make it all about them - and the real kicker here is that when it's the other way around you're expected to show up on call, readily available to provide support or they accuse you of being a bad person and not being there when they need you.

3.They don't take responsibility for their own actions.

Toxic people are gifted at gaslighting - and they use it with such ease that it almost comes naturally to them. When you confront a toxic person with a grievance or try to express yourself in how they made you feel, more often than not they'll deny all responsibility, turn the situation around in their favour and pin the blame on you. They'll always find a defence for their actions, or try to prove you wrong. They will twist the narrative to make themselves look like the victim and you may even find yourself being the one who apologises in the end. A toxic person will never take responsibility for their actions - in the end you'll only burn yourself out trying.

4.They always have an agenda.

A toxic person will never be loyal to anyone but themselves. You might find that they cancel last minute, constantly let you down, or only show up when they need something from you. They might be dishonest about their intentions, plans or even their whereabouts - only including you if it benefits them. For example you might not get the invitation to go for drinks but you might be called upon to nurse their sore head after. And when you ask why you weren't invited to the party, they make you feel bad and guilt trip you into thinking you're being clingy or unreasonable - you could be then be invited for dinner only to discover they're expecting you to foot the bill and when you ask them to pay for their half, they call you selfish and say something like "this is why I never ask you to go places". Toxic people in your life will use you for their own personal gain.

Bonus tip - toxic people thrive on your inability to say no, your lack of assertiveness and your tendency to people please. So if you struggle with any of these things, a toxic person will always seek you out like a moth to a flame!

The funniest thing is, they will display all of these traits but will be absolutely fuming when you or someone else even comes close to doing this to them - and they won't think twice about calling you out on it. They have little to no self awareness, they see no wrong in their actions and they will feel totally justified in their entitled behaviour because they'll display it under the guise of "self respect" "standards" and "knowing their worth".

Remember - we rise by lifting others, and relationships thrive with equality, reciprocity, mutual respect and understanding - not one sided give and take with one person feeling drained and the other feeling filled up!

I hope these 4 signs are helpful and can help you figure out if you're going through this with any of the people in your life.

There are about a million other toxic things that toxic people do, but these are my top 4 red flags - if you resonate with most or all, this is your sign that you need to take a step back and look at your relationships! What would you add to the list? Have you experienced a similar situation with friends/partners/work colleagues etc? Let me know!