Solo Dating - living your best life or living the lonely life?

I used to be a person who couldn't bare to be alone. Ever. I hated spending time by myself, I always had to be around someone else to feel content. I was so lonely. I thought people who were by themselves in cafes or coffee shops must be the loneliest people in the world - I mean, if you have people in your life why would you choose to go anywhere by yourself? So, the thought of actually going out in public by myself or even spending a day in my own company would have sent me into an actual spiral. Not to mention the thought of others thinking I too, was one of these loners. If you had of asked me this question even as little as 6 years ago, I'd have called you a saddo. Who dates themselves? How does it even work? I had no idea then, just how much that attitude would change with the smallest act of self care...

Swings and roundabouts

It was somewhere in the region of 2017, summer time I recall. I was in the midst of yet another breakup, but this time I was far from home. I didn't have my usual comforts and living in London, there wasn't much time for sushi roll days on the sofa. One day I was walking through a park and I saw a swing, and my inner child went wild. On I hopped - nobody was around so it was ok I thought. I felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders as I sat there swinging away and it reminded me of all the fun I used to have as a child before any stupid boys broke my heart. Anyway, I got so caught up in delighting 5 year old me, that ages had passed and I was only brought back to reality by a passing dog walker with a very enthusiastic pooch. I got off the swing, took myself for an ice cream and on the walk home I realised - I didn't know when the last time was I'd had that much fun. And I was by myself. Hmm, maybe there's something to this theory of being alone but not lonely after all.

Table for 1 please

A couple of Sundays later it was raining, an absolutely miserable day. I was dying for a gorgeous fancy breakfast and some nice coffee, but after sending out a few texts, nobody was available. Remembering how much fun I'd had at the park, I decided to get up grab breakfast anyway and have a walk around. I got dressed into my nicest clothes, done my hair and makeup and hopped on the tube. I took myself to the cutest little place, walked in the door, and the waiter said "are you meeting someone inside?" I took a breath, and I felt like the most liberated person alive when I replied "no, table for 1 please." Without even a flinch, he took me to my seat handed me a menu and took my drinks order. I think I was expecting him to laugh at me, but I soon realised in that moment, how normal it must be in a big city like London for someone to take themselves for breakfast and not need a date. I sat there in that little restaurant watching life go by, taking in the sights and people watching, and for the first time in my life I experienced just how content I was in my own company -and that small, nameless moment is still one of the most pivotal moments in my healing journey. I continued on down the road after my breakfast still high on life that I didn't die eating alone in a restaurant, when I noticed a billboard for Wonder Woman. It was playing in the cinema across the road - before I knew it I'd crossed the road and wandered in. One ticket, a large popcorn and a slushy later, I was sitting in the back row. I left there feeling like Gal Gadot herself, and so grateful for my brand new bestie - ME.

She who leads herself will never be lost

That day something changed in me. I realised that I'd never in all my 30 years in life, took any time to find out who I was. I had spent so long being everyone else's version of me, that my true self got lost somewhere. I was mammy, sister, friend, girlfriend, daughter. I wore so many hats, but not the one that mattered most. I didn't know what I wanted, what I liked or even what to do for fun. My dreams were usually decided for me, along with everything else - I'd spent so long conforming to others wants and desires for my life that I didn't dare even dream for myself. I had no sense of identity. No wonder I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. The silence was deafening. I made myself a promise that day. I was going to figure out who I was, and where I was going in life. I wasn't prepared to be dragged along behind everyone else and what they thought was best for another second. She who leads herself will never be lost, and I was determined to walk in my own direction. I spent that summer completely by myself in a city away from home - getting lost up side streets, finding hidden coffee shops, wandering past glorious houses with bright coloured doors. Taking photos, talking to strangers and walking through London after dark with all the streets lit up like Christmas in July. I found the world's most overpriced burger and nearly choked on the price, I learned how to use chopsticks and journaled on my dreams in cafes. I figured out who I wanted to be and how to love my own company and when it was time to leave, I felt sad that this free, mysterious version of me would become lost in her life once again. That all the hats would be piled back on and this beautiful one she'd been wearing would fade into memory.

Keeping the dream alive

That summer was the making of the relationship I have with me. 5 years have passed and that version of me I found whilst alone in the restaurant is very much alive and well. She's the me you know today. With vivid dreams and hopes and hobbies, a beautiful life and amazing relationships. Content alone. Amplified in the right company. And it all started with a swing and an ice cream. So, I suppose if you had of asked the me from 6 years ago what she thought of solo dating, she probably would have said it was sad - but the me who walked out of that cinema on that rainy Sunday has a very different view. Date yourself, and do it often. Give to yourself what you so freely give to others. Don't wait for permission or company or until it's too late. Get your best clothes on, take yourself out for dinner and order the most beautiful dessert on the menu. Have a glass of something pretty, go dancing, get lost up side streets. Drink coffee in front of big windows and read that book gathering dust on your shelf. Talk to strangers, take photos and remind yourself you'll never get this day again. Be your own best friend and take the weight of others' opinions off your shoulders - don't worry if they think you're a loser for dating yourself or showing up solo - they're missing out on an amazing opportunity to experience the world in a brand new way!

Here's my top five ways to date yourself

1. Find a gorgeous coffee shop with cosy vibes and a big window. Order your fave drink and people watch whilst you take in every sip. If you feel a bit silly to start with bring a book or a magazine for company.

2. Cinema dates are the best - nobody wants to see the movie you're excited for? Go alone! More popcorn for you and you can have a public ugly cry at the sad scenes without anyone seeing you. If you don't want to dive in head first start with a matinee, as it's quieter.

3. Take yourself out for lunch or dinner, order a beautiful drink and some glorious food. Enjoy your surroundings and order the most indulgent dessert.

4. Spa days are amazing for solo dates, you can get all wrapped up in your dressing gown, drink nice fruity water and relax with a book. pamper yourself, go for a hot tub or sauna session and fill that cup right up.

5. City exploring is my fave. Pick a place, jump on the train and head off for the day. Grab a coffee, have a wander and take in the sights. Go thrifting or shopping, take in the local culture and allow yourself to get lost in the streets where nobody knows your name. A day of total self care and time for you.

Ease yourself in

I know it can be a bit daunting to start, and you don't have to go all in. You can start small like I did, grab an ice cream and stroll through the park. Think of a few things you've always wanted to do or places you'd like to go and make a date. I promise you won't regret it once you go. It will help you really get to know yourself, feel content in your own company and expand your sense of self and adventure. Your confidence builds, your self esteem grows and you're more able to express your needs when it comes to group events as you know what you enjoy and can also make suggestions based on your solo adventures - plus, it's a great way to meet new people and possibly get to know some new friends! Expand your horizons and allow your comfort zone to stretch, you'll be so glad you did!

Do you go on solo dates? Let me know some of your fave things to do in the comments!